This article originally appeared on Medium.com, and was reposted here with permission from the wonderful Lucie.
An Open Letter to Teal Swan
On 16th of May, 2016, you posted a blog about me. This was surprising to me — and deeply hurtful. Since then I have been trying my best to understand. This letter is my response, and because our experience is much bigger than you and me, I have chosen to share it publicly. It is my sincere wish that my words might help others who have been hurt or confused by your words and actions.
Your blog post was devoted — as so many of them have been — to your personal pain, as well as to vast themes of betrayal and suffering. I ask this from my heart: Why me? Why did you choose to link me to your personal anguish so publicly? And why did you, quite mistakenly, elect to assign such a large degree of negative intention to me — someone so relatively distant from your personal world? I honor other women, always, for their strength, beauty, intelligence, and success. I seek to surround myself with such women and I had hoped you might become one of them, perhaps even a dear friend.
But, according to your observations in your blog, I — and nearly all other women — am chronically “jealous” of you. You falsely claimed that I personally “hate” you, because your “presence created so much insecurity” in me, which is why, you allege, I did everything in my power to ruin your friendship with my partner, Juraj.
For a while, each time Juraj and I visited a beautiful place, we thought of you, hoping to be able to bring you along on an upcoming visit. We hoped to cheer you up, to distract you from your sadness, your bad moods, and negative thoughts, which you write about publicly so often. On the first day of your visit to Prague, we lead you to the natural springs on the Petřín Hill, and the day before your departure we showed you the Prachov Rocks. I had been looking forward to these trips, but at the same time I was feeling disgruntled as a consequence of the previous day’s events. Everything had begun to feel too heavy; I was losing my usual capacity for detached perspective. Maybe all I needed was a hug or simply to be alone with Juraj for a little while, but he was preoccupied with his role as host. He was responsible for your “mission” in our country, and hadn’t noticed that anything was wrong. When he finally registered my frame of mind, I was already stuck in a rather childish sulk, I admit, and when he asked whether anything was wrong, I could only nod angrily. Unfortunately, you witnessed our personal interaction and chose to run to us, joyfully, with a smirk on your face, as if you were thinking: “finally our love birds have a conflict.”
My bad mood passed on to Juraj and he closed up into his inner quiet for a moment. We were both under stress at the time, and this was only a small matter in the grand scheme of things. You, however, felt the need to discuss the issue with him, even though he specifically told you he didn’t want to. In fact, you took my partner aside to voice your opinion about our situation and about me. According to Juraj, you explained to him, in a neutral tone, what kind of a woman you believed me to be and why you thought I was behaving the way I was. You compared me to a “leaky cup,” into which “Juraj must constantly pour new words of admiration and attention” since “they always flow out” and my “cup of need becomes empty again.”
You say you are personally “leading an authenticity movement,” but all of this began with my sincere attempt to be honest with you in hopes that it might bring clarity and greater closeness between us. Being misunderstood and spoken of in this way, behind my back, not only hurt me; it made me angry. Why had this discussion about me occurred without me? We could have talked about it together if you had invited me to join the discussion. I am capable of self-reflection, and am always seeking greater self-knowledge.
Because I cared about maintaining positive relations and wished to transform this moment of negativity into one of understanding, I gently asked you to talk with me. In fewer than ten minutes (not an hour-long conversation, as you described it in your blog), I shared with you very honestly what I was feeling. For me, this was a completely normal situation: two people having an openhearted discussion about a minor issue that could easily be resolved. If handled correctly, our relationship might actually have grown from the experience!
Instead, you reacted to my confession sharply, saying only, “Okay, so what do you want from me? Do you want me to call you the next time Juraj asks for help in the matter of his partnership?”
Of course, I responded, yes; that is exactly what I wanted.
After our short discussion we returned to the others, and I briefly shared with you about my earlier sulking state. I was going through a divorce at the time, just as you were, and sometimes it was simply going to be hard for my loved ones and me. You remained silent, choosing not to discuss the matter further. We said our goodbyes with what I thought were no hard feelings and positive prospects for the future.
From there, I went home to my children while Juraj accompanied you and others to a restaurant. Over dinner, you had an emotional breakdown and predicted that you would lose Juraj because of me. (Once again, you chose to speak negatively about me without me being present.)
After the trip, you sent an email to me, describing your lifelong troubles with women, complaining that you perpetually lose friends because their wives or girlfriends invariably envy and despise you. This inspired pity in me, sorrow for your experiences. In the same e-mail, you returned to the debate you had with Juraj and argued that I should actually be happy that you had even tried to help us, because you said, you ordinarily require payment for this kind of service. You also confessed to feeling sad that we had not approached you as an “professional” with greater trust and respect. You then wrote a separate email to Juraj, telling my partner how much you like him and that you never wanted to lose him.
I find it difficult to understand how, with your self-professed powers of sensitivity and alleged gifts of intuition, you would not choose to consider any other source for your feelings about me than envy. You refer to yourself as the “queen of the shadow,” so it is difficult to understand why you seem not to have looked for a logical source for your consistent hurt and betrayal with women at large before publicly accusing me in a blog. You claim that women always and invariably envy and despise you, yet your experiences with women represent something absolutely foreign to me: I have never felt such negativity or dark emotions coming from other women.
As a spiritual teacher, you chose to drag me into your perennial story of victimization, a world filled to the brim with self-pity and one requiring constant sympathy, attention, and adoration from others. I have to ask myself whether you have ever contemplated the fact that your blogs — along with the very public way you handle your private life — may actually be speaking a great deal, much more than you appear to have considered, about who is actually hiding “behind the curtain,” the one you claim to be removing in order to be “more authentic,” boldly stating that you are the “only spiritual teacher” who is so honest.
I must ask you: Please stop blaming others for your personal suffering and for what appear to be rather significant mood changes. Please consider transcending beyond the Victim archetype, which has become so destructive for you and for many who follow you. You need not be perfect as a spiritual teacher (or a woman), only open.
Teal, you would be wise to wipe away the fog of vanity and arrogance from your mirror. Your constant refrain of “mirror, mirror, on the wall” has been greatly misleading you. Whatever your intuitive gifts may be, your considerable pride and over-confidence has clouded them. I am only one example, but you have not at all seen me clearly. In your confusion, you attempted to publicly humiliate me — in the name of authenticity. Doing this, you forced your friend, my partner, into a terrible position, one I consider especially unethical on the part of any spiritual leader.
In your first interview with Juraj, the same in which I first encountered you, your gripping childhood abuse story greatly moved and affected me, along with the seemingly endless other experiences you said you had endured. As I considered your story, I was unable to visualize the time axis — it just did not make sense — yet you described it all so vividly that I set my confusion aside and continued to watch. I noticed right away that you had an answer for every question, which at first intrigued me. And although you believe I was envious, I actually perceived you as an interesting, brave, and beautiful young woman. I wanted to know you.
But someone else in that interview fascinated me more: Juraj.
I found myself deeply drawn to him by his purity, strong-mindedness, and mystery. I believe that my instincts would have guided me to Juraj no matter what, possibly through another interview. You met him because of his enthusiasm for spiritual truth, as well as for his hard work and desire to spread positivity and love. He chose you on his journey because he believed in you and in your message. The workshops he organized for you were record-breaking; you have never experienced such a large audience in any city with any other organizer, and all of this is why he deserves your acknowledgment. I owe much gratitude to Juraj, as well. I am incredibly fortunate to have him as my partner, someone who accompanies me on my path so truthfully and with so much love.
You suggested in your blog that Juraj and I are together because of you. What value does this information have for uninitiated readers? Juraj and I are together because of the person he is and because of our deep connection and desire to share our lives — not because he conducted an interview with you or organized your workshops.
In the beginning, I enjoyed some of your videos, specifically those on manifestation, sexuality, and the divine feminine and masculine. I recognized your intelligence and that you are capable of quickly learning in your areas of interest, so beneficial for the work you do. It appeals to me when a woman manifests her femininity, tenderness, and warmth. I love to love, to empathize and to forgive, but I am unafraid to express anger when it arises. I love the gift of guiding our bodies to pleasure, our nonverbal body language, and simply, I am in love with this beautiful, magical world, so full of possibility. I had hoped your work would help me dive deeper into the Mystery.
But let us go back:
After that first interview, you and Juraj became fairly close, even planning to get to one another more personally in London (November 2013). Juraj has said he was excited for that opportunity, and consequently disappointed when he received an email where you claimed, Juraj provoked associations for you with your ex-partner, a man with whom you had recently broken up — the same man you had publicly labeled a “psychopath.” You told Juraj that he shared similar physiognomic and character aspects with this ex-boyfriend, and that because your breakup was still deeply traumatizing for you, Juraj simply stirred up too many undesirable emotions for you.
Juraj opened up to you, sharing that your email had hurt his feelings, and you apologized. Even so, your email showed him how to best categorize his feelings towards you going forward; he viewed you as a pleasant and talented woman who seemed to enjoy helping others. His relationship with you had changed in his eyes, and he only wanted to present your abilities to a larger audience and to introduce you to the Czech and Slovak public.
This is why I believe your mislabeling of me as “jealous” and “envious” stems instead from your personally unfulfilled emotions towards Juraj. These attributes were merely a projection on your part — a reflection of your own hidden feelings.
I understand how hard it is for our ego to handle being overlooked. After London, Juraj has never reciprocated an emotional or flirtatious interaction with you, even when you’ve offered them, and I sense this motivated you to begin a game of seduction. Despite your efforts, Juraj remained unimpressed, even when you showed up nearly naked during your Skype calls together, or when you shared, while newly married to another man, your dreams about having a child with Juraj. His choice not to respond to your provocations, made you even more attracted to him (or to the idea of him), so that you began to desire him … although that is for you to tell.
I was now at Juraj’s side as he collaborated on a project with your company, Teal Eye, and it was there that I began to get to know you. He was interested in the work on a professional level, and was working hard on various proposals and visions, which everyone hoped to see move forward. But the work quickly dwindled — until it finally came to a standstill — first, because you were not in the mood, and later, because someone dared express a bit of constructive criticism, after which you were entirely unwilling to communicate further.
During this time, I became immersed in your rather significant personal drama, and I constantly felt sorry for you. I understood that you were consumed with a new relationship, which seemed to keep you from active involvement in your own projects, though at the time, I highly sympathized with you. I had little opportunity to speak with you directly, but wanted to demonstrate my care and concern — and hoped to extend to you the comfort of belonging. I shared all of this in an email, though I understand it did not make the cut. But I truly hoped to distract you from your suffering, so I followed up by sending you a ring, created by a wonderful Czech artist. Do you remember it? It was a beautiful, butterfly-shaped ring and I was so excited for you to receive it!
Along with the ring, I sent you a letter in which I expressed my fondness and wished you all the best. After about two months, I kindly asked Juraj to find out from Blake, your assistant and “right hand,” whether or not you had received my gift. You had.
Despite the ongoing dose of pity and sympathy you evoked in me (and so many others) through all of your blogs, videos, and Skype calls with Juraj, I began to feel there might be something else behind your behavior: manipulation. While I waited for sign that you were feeling better, I was made aware of your attempts behind-the-scenes with my partner. A little voice inside — my inner guidance system — had begun warning me to see clearly the web of hurt you were weaving all around you. Your tragic story of victimization began to feel more and more like a clever tool, one used to pry your way toward your most powerful desires — money, fame, and celebrity.
From where I stand now, your unceasing poor-me strategy is actually a live broadcast of pretense and make-believe, and it has become so obvious that I now shake my head in wonder that I (and so many others) ever missed it!
Your assistant, Blake, recently asked Juraj to remove an interview in which you mentioned aliens and other subjects you have now decided are “not in alignment” with the direction you want your “career” to go. He removed it for you out of kindness, but I must ask why anyone leading an authenticity movement, or representing shadow work [intended to help reveal the unconsciousness self] would feel ashamed of any of her past interviews or positions?
Teal, your elaborate scheming for attention and success is of the very same nature that exists in politics, and much the same, it appears to have very little benefit to society. Whatever you believe about my “jealousy” and “hatred,” this fact makes me deeply sad for you and for our world.
What had I expected of you? Who had I wanted you to be?
I truly wished nothing more than to build a relationship in which I could naturally express my love for you and for your gifts of intelligence and rhetorical skill. I never needed you to be “perfect,” but I had very much hoped to find in you the amazing, warm-hearted woman I first imagined — someone fascinating and fearless, able to expose both her power and her weakness. There was a time when I believed you were capable of healing people, and this was beautiful to me. I had hoped to find in you a woman with tremendous generosity, someone who knew how (and when) to stand up for others, as much as for herself.
Yes, I wanted to see myself in you, to find and support the rise of a gifted, loving woman who looks down on no one — a woman and a teacher with a strong sense of social justice. The kind of woman who, if she is feeling down, can simply say: Today I’m not feeling myself. I would like to be left alone, but I love you all.
My expectation did not meet with reality. It was very far away indeed.
With you, the swings are always the same. Whenever someone is meeting your considerable need for compliments and adoration, you are flying in joy. But this lovely state, shared by those closest to you, bottoms out suddenly and confusingly — and usually for very little reason — into outrage and finger-pointing. From there, you begin self-righteously blaming anyone and everyone for your dysregulated emotional nature. Only I am responsible for my mistaken expectations of you and for releasing you of them. And in the very same way, only you are responsible for continuing to deceive yourself and others by playing the victim. It’s time to put that away now.
While such high expectations of spiritual teachers may have become taboo in your version of the New Age, I will not deprive myself of this necessity, which is the desire to both become and to surround myself with wise, caring, kind, intelligent, and fully empowered women. I could not be myself or continue to co-create in the world without them. The expectations I had for you are the very same I hold for myself, and they embody the hopes and desires I wish to see manifested more fully in our world.
Beyond my mistaken expectations of you, there were other problems.
When you filmed a short promotional video with Juraj (before a 2015 workshop in Prague), I was further disheartened. That afternoon, you were in one of your classic bad moods, complaining gravely about your awful relationships. But the very instant the camera switched on, you utterly transformed; you became an Oscar-winning actress, saying: “I love the Czech people!” Yet the minute the film stopped rolling, you were completely unable to recall the words you had used to describe the Czech nation on your first workshop — an “iron curse” (an insult to our people). Your behavior smelled badly of pretense and calculation, of performance and insincerity. I could understand it in a professional actor, but not in someone claiming to be the leader of authenticity.
After your arrival at the workshop, you referred to my partner as “careless” (though he is anything but), and expressed anger towards the entire Czech nation. You felt they had become unfaithful to you because of the smaller turnout. (This is what they refer to as “diva behavior” in show business.) But the low attendance was not the fault of the organizers or others who’d worked so hard on your behalf. If you recall, your first visit in 2014 catalyzed a significant wave of dissent towards you. The Czech and Slovak communities had rejected you and your teachings. Some even gathered to burn your paintings in a public display, calling you “Satanic.”
I was surprised to see you so shocked and angered by the lower attendance. In 2014, there had been approximately 730 visitors, whereas in 2015, there were approximately 350. Again, the steep decline was likely due to all the public resistance you encountered, but you proceeded to throw a rather embarrassing tantrum. Afterward, Juraj tried delicately to explain to you that you could have shown a bit more gratitude to those still showing their support, as much as to those you had recently won over.
Where would any celebrity figure be without his audience, his fans? And what would any teacher be without her students?
I was assisting others during your workshop, but afterward, I witnessed you conducting yourself like a professional showgirl, and other times like a shrewd businesswoman. I had a few questions about audience members you had chosen to join you onstage, but for the first time, you had no answers. You responded to my questions with disinterest, failing to remember a single name of those who had only just exposed themselves so publically to your (sometimes harsh) analysis. To my horror, you even proceeded to make a vulgar, deeply unkind remark about one of the women you had selected, though I will not repeat your insult here. Such an insult could injure an ordinary person, but for an avid follower, it could well lead to an emotional breakdown. You seem to care very little about the people who admire you so much, and this is as much a disservice to you as to them.
On top of many other self-professed talents, you claim for yourself the ability to recognize potential in both individuals and in business deals. Juraj and his colleagues believed in you enough to follow your advice, yet their business went bankrupt. I am not saying this was your fault, but it would be very gracious and wise if, for the first time, you could admit that you do not and cannot know everything. You do not have all of the answers; no one does.
The drama only continued from here.
To my dismay, our personal interactions seemed to escalate quickly and, as a result, I began to observe you even more clearly. I saw a woman who desperately required attention, so like a child in many ways. It is completely your right and there is no shame in making your own choices as a woman about your sexuality and your body, but I believe your ego’s craving for constant attention influences your choices around clothing and behavior. This desperate need in you is why you enjoy flirting so much, even with those who are romantically committed and who are otherwise not your partner. You appear to delight in using your femininity as a tool to influence, to covertly manipulate others, and to seek success.
To be clear, both the Czech and Slovak nation take pride in our abundance of beautiful women. It is commonplace for men to turn their heads for women on the street. The men of Prague who turned their heads for you did so because your appearance sends the message, I am free! Yet you chose to say aloud to our group that “all the men in Prague” are crazy for you, that you could score a date with any of them with “just a blink of an eye.” Incessantly thinking about one’s physical appearance and its affect on others, much less proclaiming it aloud (or in writing, as you do), hints at narcissism, the very shadow of which is terrible insecurity. These values are simply foreign to me.
“Now all the other women here will hate me and condemn me.” You said this to our group more than once, so I must ask you with sincerity: Why do you hold such a negative attitude about yourself and other women? Why do you prepare yourself so often for hatred?
“Take a photo of me for Instagram. Ugh, it’s so boring but I have to do it for the fans and for the ratings.” When you said this to our group, it was off-putting to me but it helped to open my eyes even further.
Teal, as a woman and as a spiritual teacher, what is it that you wish to be most respected and admired for — your physical appearance and material success, or for offering truth and healing lives? The first two can leave us in an instant — and beauty will leave us all eventually. But the latter has the potential to create a legacy which grows and amplifies, helping to usher in much needed change for humankind.
I choose to surround myself with many other women and am fulfilled by the positive and affirming relationships I have with each. I have no desire to look down on any of these souls. I see the women in my life as loving creatures, and recognize them for their creativity, intelligence, beauty, talent, loyalty, and for their hard work. Their success does not diminish my own, and their beauty only adds more beauty to my life. I doubt any of them desires to perform on a stage, but all are powerful because they are truly themselves; they need never act or perform in order to be seen as valuable. They express their emotions and their sorrows freely, and share their strengths and their weaknesses without fear. They offer frequent hugs of support, and even though they value empathy and validation, none of the women I know and love require pity or worship.
Why do you think any woman on a spiritual path would feel the need to envy, or worse, to hate you? Where do you suppose all of this toxicity is really coming from?
I hurt for you that you have not experienced such beautiful bonds with other women, the kind of bonds that have so enriched my life, but I believe that with a change in attitude and approach, you have the power to break this curse of perceived jealousy, envy, and hatred, simply by searching your heart and evolving your beliefs.
Teal, why do you send others to fight your battles?
As I was seeking further clarity about you, you sent a disturbing email to Juraj about a mutual friend, someone you had known for some time and had seemingly befriended. For reasons indiscernible to us, you used very negative words to describe our friend to us and then announced your decision that she should be actively “excluded” from your circle in order to “protect” you (your words). But you asked Blake Dyer and my partner, Juraj, to do the excluding for you, demanding they keep this person, someone who believed herself to be your friend, “out of [your] sight.” Although you publically admitted to knowing that both men, Juraj and Blake, would be uncomfortable with such interpersonal conflict, you nevertheless commanded them to set your boundaries for you, hurting this woman’s feelings on your behalf. Despite possessing “powerful psychic gifts,” which perhaps may have hinted at the disastrous outcome your request would have, you continued in this fashion — sending others to do your dirty work, yet again.
Your email further clarified your true nature: calculating and manipulative. Because we are partners, Juraj shared this email with me. Together, we found it concerning. I chose to forward your message to our friend because your words had been about her (remember my request after you pulled my partner aside to discuss me?).
Despite your purported authenticity, you felt aggrieved, even attacked, that I would share your message with its subject! You were the one who’d written such unkind things about another woman, and I believe the words you used represented you. Be advised: I would gladly forward such an email again if I had to — to help anyone else find the clarity I once badly needed.
The friend whom you wanted “kept out of [your] sight” had spent two full days by your side only the year before. I believe your radical change in affection for her was due to the close connection she held to two men, two of your most loyal followers and devoted companions. One of these men had been hoping to join your inner circle for some time, and I am afraid that in order to do so, he chose to sacrifice the honor of this woman.
Do you truly desire to help others, or is your work just a handy instrument for “fame”? Do you work as a spiritual teacher in service to humanity, or for the seedy glare of studio lights? Do you share your message truly as a spiritual calling, or because you desire, or rather expect, something in return?
Instead of reacting in anger to this letter, or plotting and scheming to assassinate my character — which is your custom whenever anyone offers you critique, however justified (you are fond of appointing a scapegoat for all of your problems) — I hope you will take a measured breath and search yourself for the answers to my questions. And I hope you will offer these answers to us in true authenticity.
If your mission is genuinely to help others, try opening your heart and incorporating Love into your work, which is what humanity needs most at this time. Rather than heedlessly criticizing others, try welcoming honest feedback and critique about yourself. Stop attacking all who disagree with you, or underhandedly commissioning others to do so on your behalf.
You say you are a fan of “mental chess,” that you love more than anything to play this game on others. With this letter, I have identified the weak spots in your game, and perhaps your true shadow. Were our situations reversed, I hope you would offer the same insight to me.
Again and again you contradict yourself, not due to the complexity or the paradoxical nature of divine truth, but as a result of sudden and swift mood changes and an impulsive inclination for whatever suits you in the moment, even if it may be hurtful to those who personally care for you or who deeply admire you. In your online bio, you present yourself as powerfully psychic, but your actions often suggest otherwise. If you are who you say you are, why do you make so many poor, even destructive, decisions? Why is it that, so often, your words appear superficial, empty, and hollow? Why, when I (and others) search deeper, does there appear to be very little original content in your work?
At an event in Litoměřice called, “The Activation of Female Power,” I gave a brief introductory speech to welcome the scheduled speakers. As I began, a man in the audience interrupted me, shouting, “I didn’t come to see you! I want to hear Karaimi and Teal!” I found his intrusion rude, of course, but simply chose not to dwell on it, finishing my introduction in the spirit of the event.
In the same email about our mutual friend, expressing your intense dissatisfaction with her (which I saw as merely a projection on your part), you expressed to me how proud you were of the way I handled the man’s rudeness. You said that you even wished you could “kill him.” Even though this minor situation hadn’t really upset me, you insisted that I work through my feelings more deeply, claiming that my unwillingness to do so reflected a personal tendency to evade my problems. (Hopefully this letter corrects that misapprehension on your part.)
Simply, I have no problem addressing legitimate concerns, but I also prefer not to make mountains out of molehills. You might consider learning to avoid the same.
That very same evening in which you offered this unsolicited advice to me, you posted your first blog about the Czech Republic. Apart from the “iron curse” insult, you diagnosed all Czech people as refusing to deal with our problems. Not only is this a sweeping generalization based on a small personal experience you had with me, but your “energy diagnosis” of an entire nation is just incorrect.
Can you not see how obvious your manipulation and scheming appears?
During dinner with the lovely spiritual teacher, Karaimi, you were friendly and communicative, and everyone left with good feeling. But when we opened our devices to read your blog, we learned how “lonely” you’d felt on that stage. You said that you had felt like the “only” truthful teacher there, the only teacher who authentically dives deep, and the only one you believe truly can! But that wasn’t all. You suggested that other spiritual teachers have inauthentic tendencies and are highly avoidant of their true shadows.
Teal, you made these insulting statements — not in the name of authenticity or true shadow work — but because other teachers actually try to help people move through their suffering and toward forgiveness, encouraging them to change the cycle of negative thinking so that their lives might also change. They help people heal enough to become hopeful and positive in order to manifest the fruit of these gifts in their lives. What you are saying is that you see the loving and honorable work of everyone else in your profession, all other spiritual teachers, as simply nonsense.
Why did you not open up about your true feelings at dinner, sharing these thoughts personally with the others present at the event? Would it not have been braver and more authentic to share such a negative assessment in person?
Why do you continue to hide such hostility and arrogance behind a screen, only sharing your more extreme opinions in very tight-knit circles? What stops you from discussing your criticisms of other teachers’ work with them, or describing your dislike of an individual to them?
What are you afraid of, Teal? Losing your fan base?
By constantly blogging about your “dirty laundry,” how is it that your tendencies are any different than the negative news media or from salacious tabloids, which spread fear, darkness, and sensationalism “just for the ratings”? How are the scandalous things you write about your former friends and lovers not the very same kind of sensationalism? And how is your incessant story of victimization any more authentic than the teachings of those who prefer to work out their differences in private, to hold their heart’s suffering close so as not to overexpose or retraumatize themselves and others?
Tell me what is worse: Forwarding an email that is about a woman directly to her, or publicly posting a private email from your ex-husband (someone who set a boundary with you about maintaining his privacy) on your social network platform, as you recently did?
I finally see you clearly, and it breaks my heart that so many others still cannot. It hurts me how many believe your Doom’s Day predictions that World War III is immanent, rather than focusing all their hearts and souls on preventing such horrific outcomes. It pains me even more that many people believe your misleading teachings about suicide — which you refer to casually as a “reset button” — and are taking their lives!
The final act:
To assert healthy boundaries for myself, I sent a message through my partner, explaining to you that, as a result of everything I have experienced with you, including all I have described in this letter, I no longer had the energy or desire to engage. I explained that I needed to restore my equilibrium and that I would contact you when the time was right. Perhaps you misperceived my boundary as a form of abandonment, which you say you have very strong reactions to, but it was apparently too much for your ego to accept with dignity and grace. Instead, you chose to try to humiliate me by posting the blog, yet again describing your position as a perpetual victim in order to rally sympathy, pity, and support. You went on the offence against me, a woman who had only hoped to be a friend to you.
None of this had to happen.
All I required of you was to respect my boundary and to honor the time I’d asked for in which to find balance and clarity. Was my desire for a period of distance so dissimilar to your need to set a boundary with the woman described above, someone you then asked others to exclude for you, and whom you also blogged about publically? Is what I asked for any different than your rebuff of Juraj in 2013, when you told him he looked too similar to an ex?
We all have the right to choose the people we will and will not connect with, but I am interested in the kind of spiritual teachers who would never seek to hurt, much less traumatize — and in those who share love and integrity, living what they teach, and taking accountability for any error or harm done along the way.
I have no memory of you ever expressing true joy or laughing naturally. Everything around you feels very heavy and tense. The only times we get to see you smile are when you receive a compliment, when you have made someone uncomfortable with a vulgar remark, or when anyone touches one of your favorite thorny topics to delve into. At this stage, I simply cannot imagine you laughing delightedly and from your heart, or expressing joy for anyone other than yourself.
All that anyone around you ever talks about every single day is: “How is Teal feeling?” or “Is Teal in a bad mood?” In my time around you, the answer to these questions was always the same: “Teal isn’t feeling her best.” In this way, you have your entire circle tiptoeing on eggshells, spinning exhaustedly on an endless hamster wheel in order to ensure your satisfaction, (i.e., to avoid your dissatisfaction and your notorious meltdowns).
The only time I can remember feeling your genuine interest in me, perhaps a flash of your admiration even, was when I mentioned that I once knew a famous actor. This seemed to overly impress you, enough that you began shouting at Blake that, one day, you would find yourself thrust into the world of A-list celebrities, as well. This now feels terrifically superficial, though in the moment, I was simply pleased to feel the thick atmosphere between us lighten. That one and only time, you were positive in my presence.
It has never been my desire to exhibit myself publicly like this; it goes against my very nature. And I never seek to hurt others; I want only to lift people up. But your actions are leading more and more former friends and followers to place ourselves momentarily in the spotlight in order to try to set things right — though we find no pleasure in this sort of (indecent) exposure, and certainly do not “just want to steal your attention,” as you claim, which is not only a totally shallow assertion, but a deflection you use to hide from legitimate critique.
You cannot expect your actions to stand without a response. The Truth is sometimes difficult to grasp and I am sorry that you may feel powerless and angry while reading this, though that is exactly how I felt while reading your blog about me. I am writing this because I know that I am not the only one affected by your behavior. There are vulnerable followers who believe in you, who trust you. I do not want them to be hurt in the same ways or worse.
From here, I hope that we will take a quiet bow and simply thank one another for the lessons. Rather than continuing to replay the roles of victim and perpetrator, I hope to see us both move on toward deeper truth and personal wholeness. May we place our energies now into true service and healing, spreading love and light and hope along our paths. May we choose to forgive.
Translated from the original Czech by the very talented Sara Jurenova.
Edited for English readers by Julie Jordan Avritt.
As a professional writer and ghostwriter, I volunteered to help Lucie — a native Czech speaker — turn her already powerful blog into writing that English readers could best experience and understand. Before I begin work on projects large or small, I create sacred space, asking to be made into a pure instrument. With Divine support engaged, I call in the energy of my client or my friend, in order to fully realize his or her voice on the page.
Each sentence, every idea, and all of the views expressed herein are those of Lucie Svoboda. The essence of her own writing has not been altered or its meaning lost.